METS BREAK NEW CENTER FIELDER
The Mets broke their new center fielder, Andres Torres, within an hour of tearing open the box he came in.
During today's Opening Day at CitiField, on a fly ball to right center by Braves shortstop Pasternicki, Torres first broke in, then back out, showing that his eyes had not yet adjusted to the outside lighting. Almost immediately he slowed down and began limping, allowing the runner to reach third as Mets right fielder Lucas Duda lumbered over to cover their busted center fielder.
Play was halted as a representative from Hasbro, the toy company who builds many ballplayers, emerged from his cave and minced over to Torres. Within seconds the Hasbro rep motioned for a tube of airplane glue and the instruction manual. Unfortunately his repairs proved ineffective and Torres was dragged off the field in a garbage bag.
"I coulda fixed the leg but there was a piece missing," grumbled Mets Manager Terry Collins.
Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson, yet another of their new front office with gender-neutral names (full replacement of team management with qualified employees is expected to be done by next June), was seen shaking his head and making obscene gestures in Torres' general direction. "Those punks with the Giants screwed us," an eavesdropping spy microphone picked up from Alderson. "Every freaking piece on that Torres was cracked, worn out, or a cheap replacement piece from Taiwan. Thank goodness he was just a throw-in to the Francisco deal."
Torres has been repacked sloppily in his original box and shoved disgustedly into an old, wrinkled, reusable IGA shopping bag. Pending location of the receipt, the Mets will attempt to return him to the local Target department store. Until then veteran professional backup player Jerry Hairston will be removed once again from his original packaging, complete with Kung-Fu Grip and billyclub, and cover centerfield duties.
Reporter Keisuke Hoashi is a kinda sarcastic yet hopelessly faithful Mets fan. Contents of this story have not been approved by Major League Baseball, nor do we ever expect them to be. Ppppfhttt.
During today's Opening Day at CitiField, on a fly ball to right center by Braves shortstop Pasternicki, Torres first broke in, then back out, showing that his eyes had not yet adjusted to the outside lighting. Almost immediately he slowed down and began limping, allowing the runner to reach third as Mets right fielder Lucas Duda lumbered over to cover their busted center fielder.
Play was halted as a representative from Hasbro, the toy company who builds many ballplayers, emerged from his cave and minced over to Torres. Within seconds the Hasbro rep motioned for a tube of airplane glue and the instruction manual. Unfortunately his repairs proved ineffective and Torres was dragged off the field in a garbage bag.
"I coulda fixed the leg but there was a piece missing," grumbled Mets Manager Terry Collins.
Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson, yet another of their new front office with gender-neutral names (full replacement of team management with qualified employees is expected to be done by next June), was seen shaking his head and making obscene gestures in Torres' general direction. "Those punks with the Giants screwed us," an eavesdropping spy microphone picked up from Alderson. "Every freaking piece on that Torres was cracked, worn out, or a cheap replacement piece from Taiwan. Thank goodness he was just a throw-in to the Francisco deal."
Torres has been repacked sloppily in his original box and shoved disgustedly into an old, wrinkled, reusable IGA shopping bag. Pending location of the receipt, the Mets will attempt to return him to the local Target department store. Until then veteran professional backup player Jerry Hairston will be removed once again from his original packaging, complete with Kung-Fu Grip and billyclub, and cover centerfield duties.
Reporter Keisuke Hoashi is a kinda sarcastic yet hopelessly faithful Mets fan. Contents of this story have not been approved by Major League Baseball, nor do we ever expect them to be. Ppppfhttt.
Labels: Andres Torres, mets, satire
posted by NYSMF at 10:00 PM
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