Mets Announce New Lumberjack Draft Strategy
The New York Mets have officially announced their future draft strategy.
"From this day forward," said GM Sandy Alderson, "the Mets will only draft players who look like lumberjacks. I am not talking about the evil backwoodsmen who play banjos and are proud of having only two teeth, of which one is almost completely rotted out. No. Unless you are a high school or college ballplayer with the size and physique of Thor the Norse God of Thunder, or of Jack Reacher (made famous by author Lee Child), or have been known by your schoolmates by the nickname 'Paul Bunyan" or "Andre the Giant' since grade school, the Mets will take a pass on you."
The new strategy has been informally in place for two or three years. This season, with the emergence of right fielder Lucas Duda, who is roughly 6 feet 19 inches tall; Ike Davis, first baseman, appx 6 feet 14 inches; and now Kirk Neuhenwies, centerfield, coming in at 6 feet 18 inches, the Mets have shown their dedication to putting Giant Metahumans in their starting lineup.
"It's no disrespect to normal-sizers like David Wright or Greg Luzinski," said Mets manager Terry Collins, himself a diminutive 5 feet 8 inches, putting him in the category of Elfin Woodland Ballplayer in the new Mets depth chart. "But the big guys make the ground shake when they run. It makes the game more fun."
The National Association for Natural Humans has filed a lawsuit against the Mets for size discrimination, as has the American Association of Unaugmented Homo Sapiens. The ACLU considered joining the lawsuit but withdrew when a group of Titans appeared at their headquarters and threatened to stamp out "every puny human vermin."
"Now if you will excuse me," said Alderson, "I need to find appropriate sacrifices for the Old Ones located beneath the former Shea Stadium."