Jason Bay to be Publicly Humiliated by Mets
Mets left fielder Jason Bay was moved from his accustomed number 5 spot in the Mets lineup all the way down to the number 9 position in today's game against the Braves. Bay is now the most expensive position player in history to hit last in a professional major league lineup.
"I figured, what the hell," said Mets manager Terry Collins. "We tried being nice, we tried being mean, we tried psychology, tried threats, tried bribes with ice cream milkshakes from the Shake Shack, everything. But we hadn't tried openly humiliating him as a professional."
Collins went on to detail the progressive plan to shame Bay into shaking himself out of his now three-year batting funk.
1) Move Bay to the number-9 hole, behind the pitcher and even behind catcher and career .117 hitter Mike Nickeas
2) Require Bay to wear the pink Dora the Explorer backpack (normally assigned to the low man in the bullpen) for each at-bat
3) Have bat boy Billy Jones kick Bay in the rear end every time he makes an out
4) Post faked naked photographs of Bay performing inappropriate acts upon underage bunny rabbits on the official Mets Twitter feed
5) Require Bay to bat in only his spikes and underwear.
"We will give Jason every chance to feel really terrible about himself," said Sandy Alderson, Mets GM. "He's already irritated the heck out of the entire Mets fan base. I mean, yesterday I saw Jason with a fan who wanted an autograph. Jason took the shirt off his back, autographed it, called over David Wright with an autographed baseball, and then pulled out his wallet and gave all of that to the fan -- and the fan spit in his face. I mean, wow."
Fans are encouraged to submit additional humiliations via a special suggestion form that will be posted on the Mets official website.
"It sucks to have a player who sucks so hard," said Collins. "We're beyond 'tough love.' It's time for 'tough hatred.'"
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