Marlins Reyes Hamstrings Explode Horrifically
PORT ST LONESOME, FL - Feb 24 2011 -- The Miami Marlins attempted to invoke the state Lemon Law when their new $106,000,000 shortshop, Jose Reyes, suffered a major hamstring failure during the first week of Spring Training.
Reyes was walking from the bathroom to his new Marlins locker when teammate Hanley Ramirez reportedly said, "I smell smoke." Seconds later, the locker room erupted into pandemonium when Reyes' left hamstring suddenly erupted in flame. High speed photography later revealed a definite stream of dark smoke coming from his left hammie starting ten seconds before Reyes leg blew up.
"We always have surveillance video running in our locker room," stammered Marlins President of Baseball Ops Larry Beinfest. "The feeds go directly onto the Internet to Marlins dot XXX, as well as into our trainer's closed offices so that they may keep an eye on the health and well being of our players. There's nothing dirty or perverse about the hidden cameras in the locker rooms. Or in the bathrooms. Or the shower stalls. Or in the athletic supporters."
Reyes, his left leg encased in flame-retardant concrete, held a press conference later that day to report that he feels fine and is ready to be the Marlins' opening day shortstop. The conference was abruptly cancelled when Reyes stood up and his right leg erupted in flame, scattering burning chunks of his right hamstrings all over the front row of reporters.
Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria immediately gathered all the pieces, smothered them with a nearby chemical fire extinguisher, and put each individual lump of Reyes' hammies on sale on eBay with starting bids of $1,000,000. Pharmaceutical companies have already placed bids on multiple fragments, followed by founder of InGen John Hammond, creator of Jurassic Park and the other islands covered with his genetically reclaimed monsters.
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Reyes was walking from the bathroom to his new Marlins locker when teammate Hanley Ramirez reportedly said, "I smell smoke." Seconds later, the locker room erupted into pandemonium when Reyes' left hamstring suddenly erupted in flame. High speed photography later revealed a definite stream of dark smoke coming from his left hammie starting ten seconds before Reyes leg blew up.
"We always have surveillance video running in our locker room," stammered Marlins President of Baseball Ops Larry Beinfest. "The feeds go directly onto the Internet to Marlins dot XXX, as well as into our trainer's closed offices so that they may keep an eye on the health and well being of our players. There's nothing dirty or perverse about the hidden cameras in the locker rooms. Or in the bathrooms. Or the shower stalls. Or in the athletic supporters."
Reyes, his left leg encased in flame-retardant concrete, held a press conference later that day to report that he feels fine and is ready to be the Marlins' opening day shortstop. The conference was abruptly cancelled when Reyes stood up and his right leg erupted in flame, scattering burning chunks of his right hamstrings all over the front row of reporters.
Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria immediately gathered all the pieces, smothered them with a nearby chemical fire extinguisher, and put each individual lump of Reyes' hammies on sale on eBay with starting bids of $1,000,000. Pharmaceutical companies have already placed bids on multiple fragments, followed by founder of InGen John Hammond, creator of Jurassic Park and the other islands covered with his genetically reclaimed monsters.
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posted by NYSMF at 1:07 PM
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