MLB Announces Boras Boycott
USA, Jan 19, 2011
by nonMLB reporter Hachi Saito
Major League Baseball has announced a total boycott of sports super-agent Scott Boras, effective immediately.
"Scott has been an immense pain in our *** for years now," said a highly placed member of MLB on condition of cowardly anonymity. "What a total *******, I mean, geez, **** him and the horse that he rode in, the greedy son-**-*-*i***, *o**-**c**** d*****d."
A poorly-paid GM of a MLB team, who also spoke only if his quotes were sufficiently bleeped out, agreed with the anonymous official. "Boras gets 10% of his client's money, like any agent all around the world. But he is so ****a** focused on making that 10% as *****n* high as possible, he ends up holding not only his client hostage to his greed, he also holds each team, the teams he plays against each other, the General Managers of those teams, their cats, the field mice that those cats play with, and even the sunflower seeds eaten by those very field mice just as much hostage to his greed. It ain't good for the game."
Boras Boycotts have been considered as an official MLB response ever since Boras' historically horrifying megacontract for Alex Rodriguez back when he first hit the free agent market. Boras successfully tricked the Texas Rangers into paying $25 million a year for Rodriguez, leaving them approximately forty-seven cents to pay for everyone else on the team. The result was last-place finishes every year Rodriguez was in Texas.
"Even Enron couldn't have paid for that contract," said Rodriguez from his home in New York. He then flew a charter plane to his home in Brazil to continue his interview. "But Scott got $2.5 million from my contract alone." Rodriguez jumped atop a camel to travel to his home in Australia and then redialed us. "What were we talking about?" he said, and hung up to play with Madonna and Charlie Sheen.
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