Mets Officially Cancel Rest of 2011 Season

Faced with a disheartening lack of interest not only from the fans, but also from their own players, their opponents, and even the guys who sell beer and hot dogs at CitiField, the New York Mets officially announced they are cancelling the rest of the 2011 baseball season.

"It just didnt' make any sense to keep playing," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "Running this joint costs more than it costs to keep 'Spiderman' on Broadway, and we don't have some big shot like Bono paying the bills to stay open. No, we are better off cancelling the rest of this crummy season now, and start our off-season a little early."

Mets manager Terry Collins concurred. "David Wright just doesn't give a damn anymore, and I gotta say that I can't blame him," said Collins. "David is a great dude, one of the best players in the game, and he is so fed up with how bad our team is that he just can't stay focused. It'll be best for him to shut it down now, take the extra time to travel, maybe backpack across Nepal and meet up with Ra's Al-Ghul for some Batman training in the Himalayas. It'll do him a helluva lot more good than playing a pissed-off third base."

Fred Glynn, a 22-year Mets veteran at selling Nathan's Hot Dawgs in the stands, applauded the decision. "Thank God," he hissed. "I don't have to come back tomorrow? I can look for another job and not have to watch this team drag their sorry asses around the diamond no more? Hallelujer." Glynn then turned his hot dog water box upside down, dumping out all of the contents over several rows of empty seats. Predictably, there was nobody else in the stadium even to dive for the bouncing wieners.