Mets: Vampire Catcher Diagnosed

TRANSYLVANIA, FLORIDA, April 2 -- Doctors today revised their diagnosis of New York Mets backup catcher Ronnie Paulino.** Dr. Gregory House of Princeton Plainsboro Hospital in Baltimore, MD made a special trip down south to consult; and as a result, Paulino was diagnosed today with a mild case of porphyria, aka "the Vampire Disease".

"The fangs should have really given it away," sneered Dr. House as he revved his motorcycle in the Mets on-deck circle in Digital Domain Park. "These Florida doctors wasted their medical school years watching crap like 'Twilight', instead of classics like 'Nosferatu' and 'Blacula', so they don't have a clue to what a real vampire looks like. They thought since Ronnie didn't twinkle in sunlight, that means he's anemic. Morons."

"A couple of doctors said it was anemia," said Paulino from inside of the coffin where he lives during spring training. "I'm really relieved that this is nothing so dangerous to my overall health and well being. Just give me a couple of very Bloody Marys, some One-A-Day for women, and my iron level will be back up to where it should be in no time."

The interview was interrupted briefly when Sarah Michelle Gellar suddenly appeared amongst the press corps, brandishing what appeared to be a really big sharpened pencil. Paulino defused the situation by turning into a large black bat -- the BWP Maple "Mr Nasty" model, similar to the one used by Barry Bonds -- and swinging himself in his own defense.

According to Wikipedia, which is renowned for its 100% accurate informational content, sufferers of acute porphyria show the following symptoms:

"The acute, or hepatic, porphyrias primarily affect the nervous system, resulting in abdominal pain, vomiting, acute neuropathy, muscle weakness, seizures, and mental disturbances, including hallucinations, depression, anxiety, and paranoia. Cardiac arrhythmias and tachycardia (fast heart rate) may develop as the autonomic nervous system is affected. Pain can be severe and can, in some cases, be both acute and chronic in nature. Constipation is frequently present, as the nervous system of the gut is affected, but diarrhea can also occur."

Calls to Dr. Vladimir Stoker of the Intergalactic Porphyia Institute added additional details to the disease. "Bleh," said Dr. Stoker.

** Mr Paulino, my apologies for using your condition for a satirical post. I mean you no disrespect and I sincerely hope you get well quickly -- and immediately hit ten home runs in a row against Marlin pitching for the Mets!