Mets: Jean-Luc Picard Joins Lawsuit

STARFLEET HQ, SAN FRANCISCO, EARTH -- The financial woes of the New York Mets continued through time and space as Captain Jean-Luc Picard of Starfleet (currently posted as ongoing Captain of the USS Enterprise-W) joined his distant ancestor, Irving Picard, in demanding free money from the team in conjunction with Fred Wilpon's connection to the Madoff Ponzi scheme.

Communications were understandably scrambled as Captain Picard was interviewed, as the temporal rift being used as a microphone was unstable even with the best efforts of Commander Data.

"I need a bit more than my Starfleet pension could provide in order to continue the Picard family winery in France," said a staticky Picard from the future. "Should I successfully prove to be of assistance to great-great-great-great-great-great-uncle's-cousin's-sister's-godson's-grandfather Irving, the financial ripples shall greatly improve the Picard Portfolio out here in the 24th century. I may even purchase myself a Prius."

Irving Picard presented a rather flummoxed facade when presented with a USB drive with a recording of his future ancestor's words. "What am I, a loser Trekkie nerd like you?" he asked. "Get that thing outta my face. Go back to your mother's basement, you freak. I'm dealing with real money here."

Actor Patrick Stewart was similarly flummoxed upon hearing of the communique from his character. "This is what I get for agreeing to do all those 'American Dad' episodes," he lamented. "My life has become decidedly extraordinarily weird."

Additional shifts in the space-time continuum are expected in the next two weeks, according to tachyon-based messages left by Lieutenant Commander Data (apparently he created the messages before he facilitated the message upon which this interview and article are based, as evidenced by his reduced rank). Project Torchwood has notified all agents.

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