MLB Announces Boras Boycott

USA, Jan 19, 2011
by nonMLB reporter Hachi Saito

Major League Baseball has announced a total boycott of sports super-agent Scott Boras, effective immediately.

"Scott has been an immense pain in our *** for years now," said a highly placed member of MLB on condition of cowardly anonymity. "What a total *******, I mean, geez, **** him and the horse that he rode in, the greedy son-**-*-*i***, *o**-**c**** d*****d."

A poorly-paid GM of a MLB team, who also spoke only if his quotes were sufficiently bleeped out, agreed with the anonymous official. "Boras gets 10% of his client's money, like any agent all around the world. But he is so ****a** focused on making that 10% as *****n* high as possible, he ends up holding not only his client hostage to his greed, he also holds each team, the teams he plays against each other, the General Managers of those teams, their cats, the field mice that those cats play with, and even the sunflower seeds eaten by those very field mice just as much hostage to his greed. It ain't good for the game."

Boras Boycotts have been considered as an official MLB response ever since Boras' historically horrifying megacontract for Alex Rodriguez back when he first hit the free agent market. Boras successfully tricked the Texas Rangers into paying $25 million a year for Rodriguez, leaving them approximately forty-seven cents to pay for everyone else on the team. The result was last-place finishes every year Rodriguez was in Texas.

"Even Enron couldn't have paid for that contract," said Rodriguez from his home in New York. He then flew a charter plane to his home in Brazil to continue his interview. "But Scott got $2.5 million from my contract alone." Rodriguez jumped atop a camel to travel to his home in Australia and then redialed us. "What were we talking about?" he said, and hung up to play with Madonna and Charlie Sheen.

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Be A Mets Producer!

SHEA STADIUM'S GRAVESITE, Dec 21, 2011 --
The New York Mets have teamed up with the legendary team of Bialystock and Bloom to raise capital for their horribly ailing team's finances.

Former accountant Leo Bloom is peddling 4% shares in the NY Mets for a mere pittance of $20 million. "I'll be sure to get you a receipt as soon as Staples opens in the morning," said Bloom in a phone interview from his office, which he claims is located somewhere in Trump Towers, or the Empire State Building, depending on from where his callerID says you are calling from.

The Mets, who recently added another $40 million bank loan to their previous $25 million debt to Major League Baseball, also announced they had lost $70 million this year due to their team's lousy performance, the operating expenses for their lousy new ballpark Citifield, and their intense attempts to damage control their connection to Bernie Madoff's $100 gazillion Ponzi Scheme in which Mets owners Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz literally lost their shirts.

Recently both men have been spotted selling Gabrila's Kosher knishes from a pushcart just outside of Rockefeller Center. Sales dropped precipitously when their sign indicated each knish would cost $8 million, and sodas $2 million.

The team is currently valued at about $1.75 (that's one dollar and seventy five cents) by Moody's and roughly twenty-eight cents by Standard and Poors.

MLBaseball Announce Expansion of Teams, Playoffs, Leagues, and Egos

Major League Baseball announced today that the baseball season will be expanded to 365 games.

"Everyone loves baseball," gushed MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "Hockey? Who gives a crap? Basketball? The games should be only ten minutes long, because the entire crowd is asleep until those last moments. Football? Those sissy players only do one game a week. What's left? Jai-Alai? Wife-swapping? Pppfht. Americans want more baseball, and since all other team sports are crap, we are gonna give it to them."

Under the new season, which will begin immediately in 2012, every team will play every other 75 times. The leagues will be expanded to create a third major league, with seventeen teams in each of three divisions (except for the Galactic West Division, which will hold four teams).

The current debate over a one-game Wild Card playoff has been completely dissolved. Under the new revised baseball season, nine division title winners and three wild card teams will begin the previous year's title fight on April 1 of the following year. Working backwards, the new names for each title bout have been decided, following the previous naming standards:

World Series Champion
Ultimate Division Series Champions I, II
Intermediate Multiverse League Championship Series Victor I, II, III
Prince Philip of Macedonia Winner of Partial Winning Thingy I, II, III, IV
Wild Mushroom and Risotto Primary Leading Chieftain and Grand Inspector of Buillion

Applications for new teams are being accepted immediately by the newly formed Office of Intergalactic Baseball League Formation.

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Mets Officially Cancel Rest of 2011 Season

Faced with a disheartening lack of interest not only from the fans, but also from their own players, their opponents, and even the guys who sell beer and hot dogs at CitiField, the New York Mets officially announced they are cancelling the rest of the 2011 baseball season.

"It just didnt' make any sense to keep playing," said Mets GM Sandy Alderson. "Running this joint costs more than it costs to keep 'Spiderman' on Broadway, and we don't have some big shot like Bono paying the bills to stay open. No, we are better off cancelling the rest of this crummy season now, and start our off-season a little early."

Mets manager Terry Collins concurred. "David Wright just doesn't give a damn anymore, and I gotta say that I can't blame him," said Collins. "David is a great dude, one of the best players in the game, and he is so fed up with how bad our team is that he just can't stay focused. It'll be best for him to shut it down now, take the extra time to travel, maybe backpack across Nepal and meet up with Ra's Al-Ghul for some Batman training in the Himalayas. It'll do him a helluva lot more good than playing a pissed-off third base."

Fred Glynn, a 22-year Mets veteran at selling Nathan's Hot Dawgs in the stands, applauded the decision. "Thank God," he hissed. "I don't have to come back tomorrow? I can look for another job and not have to watch this team drag their sorry asses around the diamond no more? Hallelujer." Glynn then turned his hot dog water box upside down, dumping out all of the contents over several rows of empty seats. Predictably, there was nobody else in the stadium even to dive for the bouncing wieners.

Mets Anti-Bullying Campaign Poster Boys

FLUSHING, NY -- The New York Mets officially requested all the teams in the National League to stop bullying them in an official press release today.

"We're really tired of being pushed around by the big kids in Philadelphia, Atlanta, and Washington DC," whined Sandy Alderson, sporting a black eye and multiple marks on his arms from pokes, pinches, and Indian Burns. He also winced and flinched any time a microphone got too close to his nipples, indicating he may also have suffered from the dreaded Titty Twister or Purple Nurple.

Major League Baseball's disciplinary chief, Dusty Baker, appeared to be stifling multiple fits of giggles as he appeared in support of the Mets plight. "Hee hee hee," said Baker. "There is no place in baseball for bullying. Hee hee hee. Excuse me. The Mets have been working very hard at not being worst, but still, their players are showing up on the field with too many unexplained hazing marks."

Baker switched on a slide show showing real photos of the Mets players currently on the disabled list. All of them looked as if they had been crying, but were putting on their Brave Faces for the cameras. Ike Davis, their power-hitting first basemen who supposedly has been on the disabled list for a badly sprained ankle, was seen in a photo surrounded by Yankee players, whose postures indicated they were preparing to give him a massive wedgie. And Johan Santana, their pitching ace who has been on the disabled list for nearly a year with a supposed rotator cuff injury, was caught on camera being shoved around by members of the Los Angeles Dodgers, each of whom had shiny fingers indicating potential wet willies on the horizon.

Major League Baseball has officially stated they are against all incidents of bullying, hazing, etc. However, they also stressed that they also do not like a tattle-tale. The entire crowd of reporters mumbled and nodded agreement, and Alderson's face turned an extremely bright shade of red at this point.

"Unless, of course, you're tattling on Bernie Madoff," blurted out Alderson.

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Tribute to the Immortal #42

I was fortunate enough to finally visit CitiField and the enormous vestibule, and was enormously moved by the giant #42 in shiny gigantic blue numerals beneath the escalators.

I grew up watching the man who wore that number had his heyday, playing practically every day, underappreciated by the world but beloved by his teammates.

My eyes choked with emotion when I realized that the Mets finally showed they cared incredibly about every one of their players, all the men who toiled in a Mets uniform for so many years, and so many of those years displaying ludicrously bad records and daily humiliation before the rest of the league.

By commemorating the man who wore #42, the Mets pay homage to every one of their players since their first year in 1962, the man who represents everything that it means to be a Met.

#42, the unforgettable, hard-working, and long-suffering legend:

#42. Ron Hodges. Mets backup catcher. For his entire frikkin' career.

Nobody else in Mets history wore #42 more proudly or made more of an impact than #42, Ron Hodges.

Tears run freely down my face, drip off of my chin, and stain hot little salty droplets upon my tee shirt when I realize that every team in baseball also understands how important backup catchers like Mets #42, Ron Hodges, is to the very foundation of baseball.

We salute you, Mets #42, Ron Hodges, backup catcher for nearly the worst Met teams in history. And we salute you, Fred Wilpon and CitiField and everyone involved in building the new Mets baseball stadium, for ensuring that Mets history is paid proper respect in the brand new ballpark.

Keisuke Hoashi
Mets Fan since 1974

Mets and Bisons Swap Rosters

NEW YORK, June 5 -- The New York Mets have succumbed to the inevitable and have officially swapped teams with their AAA affiliate, the Buffalo Bisons.

Effective immediately, the two teams will switch everything, with the Bisons traveling to Milwaukee for the opening of the major league team's road trip. The Mets, who were expecting a day off today, must all scramble to get a ticket on a bus out of Port Authority Bus Terminal for the Bisons' game tonight against Gwinnet. Gwinett? Guinette?

The move was prompted by the benching of former slugger Jason Bay, and the possible leg injury to Carlos Beltran. Bay has been hitting .0001 this season with -15 home runs and -44 runs batted in. Beltran was hitting well for the first time in three years, but fouled a ball off his leg, shattering his leg brace and leaving a big boo-boo on the tender flesh below.

They will join on the Very Expensive Injured Regular List (VEIRL) first baseman Ike Davis, who had been the team's most prolific slugger, and third baseman David Wright, whom had been equally productive as Davis while going for the single season strikeout record.

"Hell," said manager Terry Collins in his typically blunt manner. "We got the damn Bisons playing every position here anyway. Why the hell not switch? Maybe a Bison won't collapse in the seventh inning every freakin' day."

Perennial Bison team members currently on the Met roster include first baseman Daniel Murphy; second baseman Ruben Tejada; third baseman Justin Turner; reserve infielder Nick Evans; outfielders Jason Pridie and Angel Pagan; and pretty much the entire pitching staff.

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